First of all, I’d like to apologize for not updating in almost a month. But I mean, it’s not really my fault since my last two posts were so fanfuckingtastic that they were worth more than a normal post. Also, it’s sort of your fault since you all never comment on my posts so I have no idea that you have actually read anything, which usually makes me say, “Well, maybe I’ll give them a couple more days to read it.” Also, because of this, I often find myself saying, “I hate those fuckers.” Anywho, here we go:

The boomerang is quite possibly the stupidest creation to ever grace mankind. There are numerous terrible aspects of the boomerang, which I will be sure to cover in depth. If there is something I know that you know I can do, it’s talk for a really long time about anything at all. Thank you, thank you. …Oh wait, that’s not a good thing. Jerks.

Encyclopedia.com describes a boomerang as a “special form of throwing stick, used mainly by the aborigines of Australia. Other forms of throwing sticks were used by the peoples of ancient Egypt, Ethiopia, and India and by the indigenous peoples of the SW United States. The boomerang is sickle-shaped with arms slightly curved in opposite directions as in a propeller. The trajectory of a boomerang is usually an arc, but in some cases it is a full circle. The boomerang of the Australian aborigines (from whom the name is derived) is made in two types. The smaller boomerang, 12 to 30 in. (30 to 75 cm) long, is used only for sport and is thrown so that it returns to the thrower. The larger war boomerang is 24 to 36 in. (60 to 90 cm) long and does not return; it is used for hunting and warfare.” I presume you already knew all those sorts of information, but I was just looking up to take up ridiculous amounts of space in order to discourage readers.

First of all, I’d like to point out where boomerangs were originally used- Australia, Egypt, Ethiopia, India, and Southwest America. These are all desert environments with no trees and huge stretches of flat ground. There is a reason why boomerangs thrived here, besides the fact that aboriginal people are generally stupid and find enjoyment in throwing shit, but also because there is no way you can possibly throw a boomerang if there are any obstacles around higher than 6 feet or so. However, in the end you might wish that there were, otherwise the boomerang is going to end up hitting you. Boomerangs act a lot like lightning, they are attracted to the tallest nearby object. That’s the only way I can explain why they used to come back to the aborigines, but ends up flying into the trees by my house or on top of the roof of the house. Yes, that’s right, I have a damn boomerang. Well, that is, I did before it went rocketing deep into the woods at Fort Langley and I refused to retrieve it. I’m sorry, but no boomerang is worth getting stinging nettle up to my grundle. I've had that happen on a few occassions before, and people start to say things behind your back when all of your pants are stained because there is a rash covering your pubic region that weeps a yellow ooze. People can be so cold. It would have been pretty easy to find it though, because it cut through all the vegetation along the way.

Which is something I noticed, by the way. Even though boomerangs aren’t terribly sharp they do a very efficient job of slicing and dicing anything that comes in their path. I noticed this after a few throws where it starting curving back to me, searing through the trees along the edge of the fort on its way. Determined to not get killed by a boomerang, I hit the dirt and after some time, I decided it had probably sought out somebody else’s neck and got up to inspect the situation. The boomerang was of course, in the woods. After several expletives, I think the boomerang understood my point and stranded itself on the roof of the cooperage the next time I threw it. If you don't know what a cooperage is, come to Fort Langley and find out.

However, this was a better alternative to it actually doing what it’s supposed to and ending up bisecting my face. But I guess that’s why the Australian war boomerang was made to not come back because actually bisecting people’s faces was its purpose, and not just an incidental side effect.

While I’m on the topic of stupid novelty items, I think it’s appropriate to bring up strudel. You know the strudel that I speak of, that delicious pastry made with fruit or cheese wrapped up inside flaky sheets of bread coated in sugar and frosting. I know you’ve seen them on the counter of the bakery and oooh; they always look so scrumptious. And yet, looks can be deceiving. However, not in this case…

Strudel is not all delectable sweet things on top of other savory luscious things, though. Actually… that’s wrong. That is exactly what strudel is, but that doesn’t keep it from being impossibly difficult to eat! The worst part is that it gives off the illusion of being a fragile baked good, barely held together by melted sugar when in fact, you would be lucky to get through one of them with a well sharpened chain saw. Or miter saw if that’s your cutting device of choice, I don’t really care; it’s a matter of preference. However, I might recommend using a table saw instead if you want that sort of control, because with a miter saw you’re going to hack up that poor little strudel pretty good and I personally don’t like eating my pastry with 45 degree angles and corners cut all into it.

I have come to this conclusion based on my dinner tonight. While sniffing around for nourishment that was easily accessible and didn’t involve the use of me burning myself, or as less inept people call it, “the oven”, I came across some left over strudel. Boy, did it look savory. So I put a huge slab of it on my plate and took out a fork, figuring I was more than prepared to pack this stuff down my gaping maw. I soon found out that it wasn’t possible to cut strudel with a fork, so I went over to the drawer and picked up a butter knife. There just was no way the strudel would fuck with a butter knife. But lo! The strudel was more resilient than I anticipated! I soon grew tired of hacking desperately at the pastry and found it harder than cutting through bone. …Not… that I would know… what cutting through bone is like… uh… I was simply at a loss for a better comparison… Although I’m fairly certain I might have to resort to bone cutting if you don’t get off my case! Yeah, see, nobody fucks with a butter knife. Unless of course you’re a strudel, but that would be a little silly, don’t you think? Finally, it came down to the steak knife.

It is a cold day in hell when you have to cut through strudel with a steak knife.

Another interesting property of strudel is its ability to grow exponentially in size after it hits your stomach. Like most rich and sugary treats, strudel seems to expand almost instantly only after you have consumed too much of it to begin with. Somebody should track down the inventor of strudel and have him develop secret weapons for the US military. I imagine you could assassinate plenty of mustache-clad despots with an innocent looking strudel. Nobody can say “no” to fine pastry. And then of course once they swallow it they’ll explode. And being the tyrant rulers of barbarous countries that they are, the press and general public will probably chalk it up to the fact that they didn’t sacrifice enough young children to the alligator gods.

Perhaps it’s a chemical reaction with water that causes the strudel to expand. If this is the case, we could get rid of all those thousands of nuclear missile silos pointed at each other and replace them with strudel silos, where the moisture levels would be kept at zero, but then when they are launched at the target, their casing will spring apart and the strudel will explode in the air, burying the city, military base, or entire third world country in a tasty treat. I’m sure there are worse ways to die.

Also, peanut butter strudel = not tasty. Despite what basic logic tells us, putting two good tasting things together does not necessarily make a great tasting conglomerate. In fact, most often it seems that quite the opposite occurs. I might add that I had similar results with the peanut butter bagel (patent pending).

That concludes my rant for today,
see ya when I see ya.