the horseback ride

FROM HELL

let's begin

after getting up early (around 7am) we hitched a ride in a taxi to where the bus for our expedition was to pick us up

the place was called "asta de la banderas"
what it looked like to me was a big flagpole with no flag

needless, the bus arrived to take us to "rancho palmas real" and the horseback guides introduced themselves and kept referring to me as "senyore Yohal" (because they pronounce "j"s as "y"s)

for the rest of this entry i will type out the conversations based on how they sounded to me

anyways the lead guide was a dude named Antonio (one of the many i would encounter) and he was quite humourous during the hour long drive to the ranch. we had breakfast when we arrived and then went to see the horses and see what we would be doing that day

allow me to digress. when we signed up for this horseback riding and upon looking at the brochure for it, i was thinking of a nice peaceful little walk in the jungle to a secluded waterfall, followed by riding through clear little streams and checking out the wildlife.

NUH-UH!

there had been thundershowers the night before (which were cool cause they lasted for hours and we didn't mind) and antonio stated that "da wiver senyores and senyoras diss mohning would be too diwicult to cwoss. dherpore to get to da checkpoint vere we gid off da horses and 'ike (excuse me? "hike"?) to da wadafall, we going to have to go over da mountain senyores" and he points to a massive mound of earth behind him

"but don't wowwy senyores, the horses... dey know what dey are doooooing, just keep yo balance senyores and senyoras."

this is where it all began

before i knew it i was on top of a big horse named "bandido" who you could easily tell was not pleased by my size, he preferred to walk slow, which was fine by me since i hadn't been on the back of a horse since i was six and that was just walking in circles inside a barn during a field trip

antonio however was not pleased by bandido's slow pace and kept yelling "OLA BANDIDO ANDALAY!" which made my 4 legged beast of hellfire take off on a fast trot, making me bounce up and down right on the saddle feeling like i was getting kicked in the ass.

bastard

then when we reached the top of the mountain i it was nearing 1130am and the sun was starting to burn and i was sweating profusely

then of course, antonio rode up and stopped beside me

"what's the madder senyore? arrr yoooo nerbous?"

perplexed, i reply "nope"

"then whyyyy are yoooooooo sweeeeeeeeeting?"

by then i had quite about had it "because it's FUCKING HOT!"

heather tried to quell it by saying "we're from canada, we're not used to this humidity"

"oh" said antonio "hahahahahaha OLA BANDIDO ANDALAY!"

and off went my horse through the path, running under trees so the branches would hit me in the face

the other side of the mountain was a whole different story, zig-zagging paths that led about 200 meters down a steep embankment, this wasn't the time to do this

suffering with a sore ass, the humidity and bruised face, i now had my fear of heights to add to this mayhem. bandido appeared to be afraid of heights as well.

this is where a good samaritan (and ranch hand) sebastien came to the rescue. this dude had to be in his late fifties and was riding what looked to be a mule more than a horse, with about 100 pounds of ice and pop and water bottles evenly distributed. apparently he knew that bandido was afraid of heights too (can't blame him, it was a freaky sight) so he grabbed a rope from his bag and tied it to bandido's reigns and started down the hill on his donkey with me and bandido following suit. what amazed me was that this old donkey riding mexican was doing this while singing to himself and not even holding his own mule's reigns. serious pro!

finally we reached the checkpoint and i graciously thanked him.

next was the hike
ever heard of the grouse grind? well this was like a quater of the length, except it was now crazy humid and there was a suspension bridge to cross as well. a rickety suspension bridge, with some planks missing, and chicken wire on the sides of it so i couldn't really hold onto anything. i felt like donkey did in shrek.

we managed to make it to the waterfall and i truly amazed myself because there was no way i thought i would be able to accomplish such a feat.

the waterfall was about 20meters high and the water was muddy

dissappointing
*sigh*

then we had to hike all the way back (by now i couldn't feel my knees)
approaching bandido, i could swear i saw the horse roll his eyes.

then antonio piped up again "senyores and senyoras the wiva' has dieeeeeeeed down 'gain, we will go along da wiva. pwease fowwow da woutes we tell yooooooooo. ip yo horse stops in da wata, please gib him a hard kick, othawise he will dwown and you will die, hahahahaha, OLA BANDIDO ANDALAY!"

what we had to cross was the same muddy river about 10 times, at one point it was a raging torrent where the river came up to my waist and all you could see of the horse was his head just barely above the water

first my fear of heights, now this, i saw my life begin to flash before my eyes. i was at the age of 15 when we finally reached the other shore.

then another 45 minutes of trotting through the farmlands when antonio approached me with a stick. handing it to me he said "senyore Yohal, here is a steeeeek, when yoooo want bandido to wun, you hit him wit it"

RUN? are you kidding me?

then antonio slapped bandido's ass, and off went my horse. by now i really didn't care because i couldn't feel my own ass anymore.

finally we reached the ranch again and there was lunch waiting for us

the waitress took a look at me and brought me two big bottles of beer rather than pouring it in little cups for me. that's good service.

heather was sore as well, and quite amusing, since she had decided to wear white pants that day and now they were all muddy in the most embarrassing places, i still laugh when i think about it.

we finally got back on the bus and received photographs of us on our horses just before the experience had begun. you could already tell that bandido and i were not pleased

thankfully, we arrived back at the hotel in the evening. and after a long hot shower i just passed out. boy was i sore the next morning.

looking back on it now, i'm glad i went through with the horseback riding. would i do it again? probably not.

"OLA BANDIDO ANDALAY!"

sincerely,
Senyore Yohal