Alas

Alas fellow readers, I apologize for the delay, but the time has come for a new issue of the kwyji!

In the past couple of weeks, life has been hectic. We have gone on strike at Fort Langley because our union demanded a new contract, since the old one had expired a year ago. But now when a new contract was offered, our union said NO and demanded more. Needless to say, we employees, who the union is supposed to represent, were like “what the hell?”

So in the past 10 days, I’ve had the union heads against me since I drew up a petition for the members of Parks Canada to sign, demanding that we have a vote on the current offer from the employer. So far there is an astounding 2300 signatures (out of 4800 who work for Parks). The union reps want my head, and so will my communist sister after she reads this.

Anyways, I thought it was time for another list here on the Kwyjibo Classic so here it is:

The Top 5 Crazy-Idiot-Stoopid-Freak-Men In The World (Who Give A Bad Reputation To The Rest Of Us) In The Last 6 Months!

#5 – Nacho Nacho Man

In Maryville, Tennessee, a 23 year old idiot was arrested after police saw him nude and covered with nacho cheese from a pool snack bar. He was arrested in the parking lot outside of the pool.

The officer reports that he “saw a nude man carrying a box of Frito Lay snacks and a container of nacho cheese run toward a jeep.”

"The male had nacho cheese in his hair, on his face and on his shoulders," Maryville Police Department officer Scott Spicer reported. "The nude male had a strong odor of alcohol and was semi-incoherent."

This dumbass was charged with burglary, theft of less than $500, vandalism less than $500 and public intoxication. On top of that, he was cited for indecent exposure and held at the county jail on a $9000 bond.

And all he did was climb an 8-foot fence, break into the pool snack bar through a window, throw nacho cheese on himself and a wall and fling chips this way and that.
In total, about $40 in chips and $7 in cheese were stolen.

Why man, why?

#4 – Forget Something?

In the city of Langhorne, Pennsylvania, a fellow by the name of Robert Laguerre rented a car for the weekend from Enterprise Rent-a-Car and returned in on Monday morning.

However, when the employees did a quick cleaning of the car for the next customer, they found good ol’ Robert had left his wallet in the console of the car. Below that was a layer of napkins, and below the napkins were 88 BAGS OF HEROIN!

Using information found in the wallet the insult to his mother left behind, Detective Daniel Baranoski of nearby Middletown contacted Robert Laguerre, posing as someone who had found the heroin, and told him he wanted to return the drugs for a reward.

So what does the junky do? Why, go through with it of course! So the detective sets up a meeting with dumb Robert in a Philadelphia mall only to have Robby arrested when he arrived.

Eazy-E said it best… “Never get high on your own supply.” That’s sad Robert, just plain sad.

#3 – Definitely Trailerpark

First, the setting: a couple living in a trailer in Port Orange, Florida.

The culprit: 41 year old David Havenner.

What started the incident: His 39-year old girlfriend, Nancy Monico bites him. Why? Because they ran out of beer of course!

What dumbass does: beats her with his fists and throws empty beer bottles at her. Definitely a jackass to be hitting a woman.

What makes this trailerpark material: Well… after David runs out of beer bottles to throw at Nancy, he makes a quick b-line to his bathtub (in his trailer, so it was only like 5 steps away) and he grabs HIS 3-FOOT PET ALLIGATOR AND THROWS IT AT HER!

Needless to say the cops arrived and David was charged with abuse and sentenced to 6 months in jail. The alligator was later released into the St. Johns River by the wildlife commission.

My question: If he had a pet alligator in his bathtub, how did the fool take a shower? Oh, my bad, it’s a trailerpark.

#2 – Why To Never Get Surgery in Romania

A 34-year-old man has a testicular malformation (tough life from the getgo).

He acquires the services of one Naum Ciomu, a well-respected surgeon, senior member of the hospital staff, and a professor of anatomy.

He’s in good hands right?

Wrong!

The head of the Bucharest hospital where the surgery took place said it best, “We are shocked by what has happened. It is the first time we have had such a case.”

The wife of the unfortunate patient is suing Dr. Ciomu, who has been banned for two months pending the results of an investigation by the medical council.

What the fool did will disturb you; in a fit of madness during the operation, Dr. Ciomu proceeded to amputate the patient’s penis and cut it into three pieces.

I’ll just leave it at that.

And finally
#1 – The Nigerian Farmer

You’ve all probably heard of this by now. If not, what rock have you been living under?

The story takes place in a small Nigerian village. Children are playing, livestock is being tended to, the women are busy preparing dinner, when a terrible shriek is heard from a shack at the far end of a field.

A couple of the men go to investigate the terrifying sound and when they open the door they are shocked.

They find one of the local farmers, having sex….. with a chicken.

Dude. What the hell?

Needless to say, the imbecile takes off, and the people don’t know what to do. I mean, would you want to run after a chicken-fucker? And what would you do when you catch him?

Later on the man’s body is discovered, apparent suicide from hanging. Clearly in shame for what he had committed.

The chicken was destroyed.

So there you have it, the bad seeds of the male gender in the last half-year.

Until next time….