Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Never would have thought

The following is a conversation between myself and my friend, ken. The following events are true, and nothing was altered to improve the story:

ken: poseidons new son says:
I WAS ATTACKED TODAY.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
????

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
explain how

ken: poseidons new son says:
the old guy that lives across the hall tried to fight me in the elevator!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
what the hell for?

ken: poseidons new son says:
because our plumbing is bad!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
???

ken: poseidons new son says:
he was like, "am i gonna get anymore noise out of you?"

ken: poseidons new son says:
and i was like, "i dunno what you're talking about!"

ken: poseidons new son says:
and he's all, "don't play dumb!"

ken: poseidons new son says:
and then he stepped back and hit me in the stomach!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
get outta here

ken: poseidons new son says:
ya!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
what did you do then?

ken: poseidons new son says:
but of course i'm made of steel, so it was like... "whaaaa?"

ken: poseidons new son says:
i just calmed him down and pulled him out front the building and we argued for like 5 minutes.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
why was he mad at you though?

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
is he the handyman?

ken: poseidons new son says:
no, it's cuz there's this rumbling sound when we turn on our kitchen faucet.

ken: poseidons new son says:
and apparently he's been able to hear it for like 2 years.

ken: poseidons new son says:
but he's never said anything!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
so today he just snapped?

ken: poseidons new son says:
amazing!

ken: poseidons new son says:
i guess!

ken: poseidons new son says:
hahaha!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
did you call the cops?

ken: poseidons new son says:
naw. it wasn't even a fight!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
just continuous arguing?

ken: poseidons new son says:
the guy backed up like high school sitcoms.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
i can't believe it

ken: poseidons new son says:
well he was pretty much trying to get into a fight the whole time.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
how old is he?

ken: poseidons new son says:
and i was like, "dude! you haven't said a word to me in 3 years and now you're gonna attack me
in the elevator?!"

ken: poseidons new son says:
he's probably like... late 30's early 40's maybe.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
wow

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
you should go and turn on your faucet now

ken: poseidons new son says:
hahaha!

ken: poseidons new son says:
i did!

ken: poseidons new son says:
as soon as i got back in i started turning my faucet on and off!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
how load is it?

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
loud

ken: poseidons new son says:
i dunno. i guess somewhat loud. but nobody has ever complained.

ken: poseidons new son says:
so we were just like, "eh who cares."

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
seriously.... you should complain to the super

ken: poseidons new son says:
ya i did.

ken: poseidons new son says:
nothing's gonna happen though. it's just stunning.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
wow

ken: poseidons new son says:
like this 40 year old guy tried to beat me up!

ken: poseidons new son says:
amazing!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
did you tell justin?

ken: poseidons new son says:
i was just standing there like, "you're joking right?"

ken: poseidons new son says:
ya. i think justin would have beat the old guy down.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
i think he would

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
heck, i would

ken: poseidons new son says:
nah. if he saw him you'd probably have the same reaction i did.

ken: poseidons new son says:
like, "uh... right..."

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
but if he punched me i'd let him have it

ken: poseidons new son says:
if he actually hit me hard i probably would be more angry.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
are you telling me you let him get away with it?

ken: poseidons new son says:
get away with what?

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
hitting you!

ken: poseidons new son says:
trying to beat me up?

ken: poseidons new son says:
hahahaha!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
grab a shoe and chuck it at his door

ken: poseidons new son says:
what is this jackass junior high?

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
hehehehe

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
this means war

ken: poseidons new son says:
hahahaha!

ken: poseidons new son says:
well we're gonna try to keep the noise level to a maximum from now on.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
what did the super say all about this?

ken: poseidons new son says:
she just said they'll fix the pipes and give that dude a warning or something.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
amazing!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
you had quite the eventful day

ken: poseidons new son says:
but man, seriously... if you were there, it would have been so stunning.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
i would have clocked him

ken: poseidons new son says:
imagine this grown man sitting in his apartment for 2 YEARS, just getting madder and madder!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
hehehehe

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
sounds like an idea for a short

ken: poseidons new son says:
ya except at the end there's som kinda kill crazy rampage.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
wow

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
lock your doors for the next week

ken: poseidons new son says:
fuck it man. if i do that the terrorists win.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
well then you better be prepared

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
i'll bring you a sock full of pennies

ken: poseidons new son says:
hahaha! ya thanks.

ken: poseidons new son says:
i'm gonna nail this guy with a penny sock.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
try it, it leaves some damage

ken: poseidons new son says:
take that!

ken: poseidons new son says:
and then i'm gonna use that exact same penny sock to buy an ice cream.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
that's right, enjoy your victory

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
cherish the moment

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
i'm amazed the dude kept quiet all this time

ken: poseidons new son says:
ya. i mean imagine... i'm standing there with no clue about what he's so upset about.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
and then he hits you!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
wow

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
did anyone else see the mayhem?

ken: poseidons new son says:
it was so weird too. cuz he stepped back like how they do it on saved by the bell. total acting punch.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
but he wasn't joking

ken: poseidons new son says:
naw, it was funny i was thinking about it after and i was like, "he probably was just waiting at his peephole.

ken: poseidons new son says:
just waiting for me to leave the apartment.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
probably

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
hahahahahahaha

ken: poseidons new son says:
when he came out i was all friendly to him too. i was like, "hey man how's it goin."

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
and POW

ken: poseidons new son says:
ya what a weirdo!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
unbelievable

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
you should have started to scream and cry and see what he would do

ken: poseidons new son says:
hahaha!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
curl into the fetal position

ken: poseidons new son says:
ya i should have doubled over!

ken: poseidons new son says:
hahaha! i should have been like, "OOWWW.... no please.. no more... wait a minute... fuck off."

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
heheehehe

ken: poseidons new son says:
i think the guy was expecting me to fall over or something.

ken: poseidons new son says:
or explode into itty bitty pieces.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
hahhaa

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
did he just walk away after it all?

ken: poseidons new son says:
naw, i told him to calm the fuck down! and then we went out front the building and argued for a few minutes.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
what was he saying?

ken: poseidons new son says:
well... really it was just me scolding him.

ken: poseidons new son says:
i felt like his dad.

ken: poseidons new son says:
i was just like, "listen son... if you have a problem you have to tell me about it, or i won't know you're angry. understand?"

ken: poseidons new son says:
and he was still all worked up. he wanted to fight still!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
wow

ken: poseidons new son says:
i said, "i don't want you attacking me in the fucking elevator man."

ken: poseidons new son says:
and he goes, "what are you gonna do about it?"

ken: poseidons new son says:
and at that point i just laughed. it was just too absurd.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
hahahahaha

ken: poseidons new son says:
the guy's insane!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
all this because of your plumbing

ken: poseidons new son says:
and he started to bump me with his chest!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
how did you figure out it was about the faucet?

ken: poseidons new son says:
and i pretty much just said, "you haven't said ten words to me in the 3 years we've lived here, so fuck off."

ken: poseidons new son says:
well when we walked outside i was like, "okay now what the fuck are you talking about?"

ken: poseidons new son says:
and he goes, "you know! the noise?!"

ken: poseidons new son says:
and i'm like, "are we too loud?"

ken: poseidons new son says:
"no the plumbing noise."

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
wow

ken: poseidons new son says:
so i put two and two together?

ken: poseidons new son says:
together.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
for three years... all the pent up rage

ken: poseidons new son says:
man...

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
and then today he loses it

ken: poseidons new son says:
insanity.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
he probably planned this attack for months

ken: poseidons new son says:
hahaha!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
weeks spent going to the gym

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
learning taichi

ken: poseidons new son says:
he went to the landlord like two days ago to complain. and he was like, "i've been putting up with this for a year and a half!"

ken: poseidons new son says:
that's what the landlord told me anyways.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
but it's not your fault the plumbing's fucked

ken: poseidons new son says:
the guy hit breaking point.

ken: poseidons new son says:
ya. i mean if he had just been like, "dude can you get that shit checked out cuz i can hear it."

ken: poseidons new son says:
i would have just said, "cool man, come in and have a beer!"

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
wow

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
but instead he flipped out

ken: poseidons new son says:
man! he's like my dad redux.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
hahahaha

ken: poseidons new son says:
but another funny thing is, he always wears these bicycle glasses.

ken: poseidons new son says:
these weird.. i dunno.. have scientist goggles, half bicycle glasses.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
hehehehehe

ken: poseidons new son says:
so imagine this 40 year old dude with weird goggles on stepping up in your grill.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
perhaps he's conducting an experiment and the plumbing noise is hindering his observations

ken: poseidons new son says:
ya. probably experiments on himself.

ken: poseidons new son says:
some kinda combination of sleep dep and steroids.

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
now that's a story!

Live by the vibe, but I'mma die by the blues. says:
thank you for sharing it with me

ken: poseidons new son says:
i'm spreading the word. this is the most exciting thing to happen to me in like 4 years.

1 Comments:

Blogger Shaundiggity said...

I told this story to my little cousin - she didn't believe me.

Youth - so skeptical.

10:57 AM  

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