On the way to prison...

Three convicts were in the back of a bus escorting them to prison for lengthy stays. The prison warden had allowed them all to bring just one item with them.

The first convict presented his belonging; a box of cigarettes. He said, "this box of cigarettes can be used as money in prison. with it, i can buy whatever i need during my stay. i can use it to purchase items from other inmates, for my own pleasure, and to boost my rank in the cells!"

The second convict then showed his item; a deck of cards. He stated, "this here deck of cards will go further than your cigarettes. i used to be a blackjack dealer back in the day and i can use this deck of cards to gamble my way to riches during my stay. with it, i could get more cigarettes than you, and have people owe me money!"

Then the third convict presented his cherished item; a box of tampons. "TAMPONS!!??!!!" yelled the other two. "Just what the hell are you gonna do with those?"

To which the third convict replied, "I can use these to do more than you ever dreamed of with just cigarettes and a deck of cards!!!! It even says so on the box!! See.... i can go swimming, golfing, dancing....."

Where's the logic?

My sister (the communist) called me yesterday from Toronto:

The Communist: hello brother!

me: what do you want?

The Communist: I just called to make you guess where I'm going tomorrow.

me: where?

The Communist: guess.

me: i don't want to

The Communist: I'm going to Montreal.... can you guess what for?

being sick as i was and not giving a damn, i couldn't put it together

me: .....

The Communist: I'm going to the hockey game!

I promptly hung up.

Ticks me off really, i should have asked her to name 8 guys on team canada.

Now if they lose tonight.... my superstitious side knows who to blame.

So much explaining to do...

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
hey

10 albums, 1 film, 26 tours says:
yo

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
what's this thing about 10 albums?

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
1 film

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
26 tours?

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
i got shaun's e-mail

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
and chatted with him a bit

10 albums, 1 film, 26 tours says:
led zeppelin

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
i might see ya at his party

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
ah...

10 albums, 1 film, 26 tours says:
you comin to the bbq then?

10 albums, 1 film, 26 tours says:
werd!

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
led zepplin...

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
i'll try to stop by after work

10 albums, 1 film, 26 tours says:
10 albums...

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
what's his famous songs?

10 albums, 1 film, 26 tours says:
oh my god

10 albums, 1 film, 26 tours says:
have you never heard of led zeppelin?

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
what?

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
i have

10 albums, 1 film, 26 tours says:
it's 4 people

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
but can't remember what he sings

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
oh.

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
ahaha..

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
them...

10 albums, 1 film, 26 tours says:
hehehehehe

10 albums, 1 film, 26 tours says:
you're crazy

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
i know

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
i'm missing out

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
i'm a freak

10 albums, 1 film, 26 tours says:
stairway to heaven

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
in my own little art world

10 albums, 1 film, 26 tours says:
ever heard it?

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
ah....

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
yup

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
are they from the 80s?

10 albums, 1 film, 26 tours says:
oh lord

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
ahahah

sachiko oh my gawdawa says:
no?

hehehehe

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, 'Who's got the Biggest Pee Pee'". "How do you play that?" asked the redneck."It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."


So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play." The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe. "You win for sure," they both said.


Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"


"Yup. I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."


His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

Did they really mean to?

Hmmm...
This had me thinking???

You've all seen it before... the "promotional" changes the some products make for themselves but only for a "limited time".

For instance, Oreo cookies with the fudge cream instead of the vanilla. Did they really mean to? Or was there some dumbass working in the factory that day, on location due to his work experience from high school, and he just put the cream from the Fudgee-o in there by accident?

And what about the Pepsi with a hint of lime? Bet you another slickster put the 7Up syrup in the mixer by mistake as well.

Same goes for "all dressed" potato chips. They probably didn't have enough flavouring for a whole shipment of bbq's, sour cream and onions, ranch and dill pickles. "Fuck it Steve, just mix the whole shit up!'

Now of course these heads of the company didn't want to put thousands, or even millions of dollars to waste just by throwing it out. Who gives a damn about our health? Remember the "anal leakage" warning on the Lays potato chips? Instead, advertise the monstrosity as a brand new limited time offer. Better get it while they last, don't miss this crave.

What if they want you to eat it as fast as possible so the national food board doesn't catch them in the act, since there will be no evidence.

Conspiracy I tell you.

Just like the weather.... but that's another story.

Helloooooooooo

On my last post of the 5 dream ladies, many of you readers were unbeknownst that each name on that list was also a link to a picture of the woman mentioned

go and have a looksee

or as xuan-thy puts it,
"for you fools that dont know who these ladies are, or simply want some wank material, click on the names for an accompanying picture!"

My Five Dream Ladies

We all have this list.

You know the one.

The five main people out there in the world that you would leave your girlfriend/boyfriend for.

I know my girlfriend has a couple of people at least. Vin Diesel and LL Cool J and some jackass who can't afford a shirt from a Gap add. If she saw anyone of those guys, she'd toss me to the side and run into their arms.

Which reminds me... did you know Vin Diesel gets botox injections in his armpits? But that's another story.

But anyways, I thought I would produce a list of my 5 dream ladies as well. If I were to meet any of these five I wouldn't push my girlfriend away though, I'd just find a way to distract her while I ran off with the other.

Here are my 5 dream ladies and my reasons why:

5) ELISHA CUTHBERT : Ever since the first episode of "24" my eyes were locked on her. Then I became more devoted when I heard she was a Canadian, albeit from Calgary (but I can't complain). And then she was in "The Girl Next Door" and that just did it for me. Enough to steal her cardboard cut-out (all six feet of it) from the movie theatre where I work and tack it onto the wall of my basement where my two good buddies reside.

4) MARLA SOKOLOFF : Some of you may remember her as the secretary from "The Practice" others will remember her as one of the girlfriends from "Dude, Where's My Car". If you're like me, the first time you saw her was on an episode of "Full House" where she played one of Stephanie's friends. And out of all the ladies on the list, Marla would be the one I'd have the best chance with since she's the closest to my age, hence we may have a little something in common.

3 AISHWARYA RAI : Black hair, green eyes. An Indian film goddess who was also Miss World back in 1999. The rest of the world got a good look at her this year when she was invited to Cannes by Quentin Tarantino to be one of the judges. And now, she is in talks to be one of the next Bond Girls. The one girl out of this list that I know for 100% that my mom would approve of. And to top things, she has that face... you know that one. The face where, you know, that if you did anything to hurt her (mentally or physically) you would regret it for the rest of your life.

2) ANGELINA JOLIE : Just look at the picture... need I say more? Well I shall; the one woman on this list that I chose just for the soul reason of how she would treat me in bed. She could tie me up for all I care, no complaints here. I know I'd probably have nothing in common with her, but damn, she's fine.

1) JULIA ROBERTS : An infectious smile, coupled with a beautiful laugh, I've been in love with her as far back as I can remember. And out of all the women on this list, she's probably the only one who would laugh at my jokes. Heck, she even likes Letterman. But of course I know what you are all saying... "but she's married, Amn. She's even pregnant with twins." So what? She has made mistakes before. She married Lyle Lovett didn't she? She just has to meet me when I become a rockstar in 4 years (see previous posts) and she'll see the light. Hey... I can dream can't I?

There you have it, my list of 5. Honourable mentions go to Catherine Zeta-Jones and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos . Catherine will probably never make my top 5 again (she was on in earlier years) since she married that skeleton named Michael Douglas. Rebecca will most likely take over someone's spot in the months to come, depending on how much I see of her. She especially boosted her status since she divorced that hairy Greek and I saw the booty she had in "The Punisher."

So there you have it, my list of 5.

Everyone should have a dream!

THE THREE RULES

Hello valued readers....

I know it's been quite some time since I last wrote a good blog, but I've been a busy busy man.

Yet today marks the beginning of a wee little vacation for me, with a little trip to Whistler to boot.

Many things have happened in the past little while, the busiest days at Fort Langley have come and gone (thank the lord) and I have been fairly exhausted. Gone to birthday parties here and there as well.

Heck, I even purchased a new vehicle back in May, after Rex (good ol' buddy) died on me while I was clocking 110 on the freeway, surely, one of the most scariest moments in my life. Never did I know the true importance of an emergency brake until then.

And July 24th marked the 1 year anniversary of being with my sunshine, Heather. Which was quite a shock when I first thought about it. 'Cause what girl in her right mind would want to spend a year with me?

But it got me thinking, reminiscing actually, about my days as a late teenager, where myself and a few friends came up with THE THREE RULES.

During our time in highschool, none of us really had a girlfriend, and as usual, we blamed the ladies for not going out with us, because, sincerely, we were flawless! HA! of course, the flaws had to be with the ladies, and we were just too picky when it came to girlfriends. However, when the time did come to it, we came up with a list of three crucial criteria that the lady-friends had to meet for them to be deemed girlfriend material.

Here are the three rules, and their reasons follow:

1) WOULD YOU HOLD HER HAND IN PUBLIC?: This, my friends, is serious shit. It doesn't just deem on the looks of the girl, it deems on your self esteem! You better be confident that this is the girl you're going out with and the rest of the world should know it. If you can't hold her hand, you probably have serious doubts about your relationship. But you better think first, even sleep on it, before you make the crucial decision.

Looks shouldn't matter when you hold a girl's hand, 'cause what if your girlfriend was a hotty like Julia Roberts, and one day she was attacked in the face by a rabid chipmunk while you strolled through Stanley Park? Leaving her face full of scars, resulting in a loss of movie contracts cause no audience wants to see a freak on the big screen... you better suck in that gutt and still hold her hand! 'cause it's still Julia Roberts.... and she must have millions in her bank account.

Okay, so bad example.

What I mean to say is, you better feel confident and comfortable around her, cause if you can't hold her hand, it means you have doubts.

2) CAN SHE PULL OF THE BASEBALL CAP LOOK?: What this means my friends, is the fact that if she feels comfortable around you. The baseball cap look simply means that she won't take a million hours to get ready every time you go out. She could simply throw on a cap or a hoody and come on out with ya.

A girl that takes and extra hour to get ready, even though you show up at her house on time, is nearing the fashion level of "hoochie." She ain't getting ready for you bro, she's gettin ready for the fashion show downtown as she takes you window shopping with her.

This doesn't mean that she should pull of the baseball cap look everytime, there are times and places for these things.

For example; if you just take her to Silvercity for a movie and then a small bite to eat at Boston Pizza, she can do the baseball cap look. But if you take her to Joey Tomato's and a play downtown, you better be prepared to wait as she get's ready. Heck, you better dress up nice yourself. Don't you dare wear jeans and flip flops to that event. Only black dudes at clubs can get away with that.

3) WHEN YOU PICK HER UP AND WALK HER TO YOUR CAR, OPEN THE DOOR FOR HER AND LET HER BE SEATED. THEN WALK AROUND THE BACK OF YOUR CAR AND SEE IF SHE LEANS OVER TO UNLOCK YOUR DOOR: This, hands down, is the most crucial rule of them all. I credit the movie "A Bronx Tale" with coming up with this rule because it is so true.

If that girl doesn't even attempt to unlock your side, consider her a hoochie-bitch. An act like that determines if this girl you are going out with is either a slut who's full of herself and wants you to serve her hand and foot, or if she's willing to look out and care for you as well. If you have a car with keyless entry, I suggest borrowing a car that doesn't and seeing if this rule hold's up. Who knows, even if it is keyless, she may still unlock your side out of natural instinct and habit, and then you know for sure that she's a keeper.

Follow these three rules and you shall have nothing to fear.

Now I know that the female readers here may complain, but hey, we guys know you broads have rules for us as well, so save the bullshit.

And now, looking back at it, these rules that we came up with a mere 6 years ago do hold true, because my girlfriend has passed all of them. And I'm sure I've passed her's.